I was 13 years old when you were born, and man was I a brat! I was used to getting whatever I wanted whenever I wanted until you came along. Suddenly everyone's attention shifted from me to you. I was very jealous. I wanted to be the baby and I wanted the spotlight. I remember the day I went to the hospital to see you for the first time. I really wanted to hate you, but instead I wanted to take care of you. When I held you for the first time, I thought I might drop you accidentally. I was terrified. I knew that you were special - not just my niece, but so much more. You were like the best friend I never had, the little sister I never knew I wanted, and the sweet angel I never asked for. I was worried that no one around you was good enough, myself included. I thought you deserved better - a better mom, a better father, a better house to live in, and a much better life. I thought of my dad - your Grandpa - being mean to you the way he'd been mean to us and it made me want to protect you.

I wanted to run away with you. I often dreamed I'd be rich and famous one day and I'd take you away to a place that didn't exist outside of the confinements of my imagination. There wasn't a place good enough on this Earth that I could take you to, so I made up a place in my head and referred to it as "California." At 13, Hollywood was a magical place to me where dreams came true. My dream, other than to be rich and famous, was to take the love and the happiness I felt and stop time so that it would never ever come to an end. You were the first person who was added to my family after I was born. I thought the Bean family was set in stone. It took a special little girl to make me realize that families expand and change. At some point I realized that time didn't need to stop because life can get better even when you think it's as good as it'll ever get. You, Jessica, changed me. You made me grow up and made me become less selfish. There was another being on this planet whose life was more important than mine. You were the first person I knew I'd die for - without any hesitation. I'd still die for you.

You turn 15 today, which is very exciting. I hope you have an amazing birthday! I still think of you as that fragile little baby I was born to take care of. In the last 15 years we've made a lot of memories together. You've loved me, hated me, and wished me dead a time or two! I forgive you, though. I remember being a teen and I did the same things. I know what it feels like to be your age and it isn't easy. I'm going to do my best to make the next 15 years of your life even better than the last 15 years were. I wish for you a wonderful life. I'll always think of you when I play Grand Theft Auto, when I watch Scream, when I hug Bella, and when I get lonely and miss my best friend. I'll never forget taking you to see Hilary Duff in concert and how much fun the two of us had. I won't forget the time when me, Jim, mom, Hollie, and you got on the train at the Holiday Festival of Lights in the cold rain. I won't forget all the times we went trick or treating, threw rolls (and other food) at restaurants (food fight!), and the year we unwrapped some of our Christmas presents to see what they were and then wrapped them all back!

However, the memory that sticks out the most to me is the first time I saw you after Jim died. Mom and Hollie went out somewhere and you and I were home alone. You had to use the bathroom, but you were afraid to go back there where he died. So I walked to the bathroom with you and waited in his room until you were finished. A few minutes later you nervously joined me in his bedroom. You sat down on the bed next to me and asked how he passed away. I told you, which was very hard for me. It took everything I had in me to keep from crying my eyes out. I held one of his pillows and kept smelling and hugging it. It still smelled like him and I was doing everything I could back then to pretend he hadn't died. I asked you if you thought that was weird and you shook your head. Then you said softly, "no, not if you miss him." That broke my heart. It was the first time our roles were reversed and you took care of me. I gave you a big hug, and I never let you see it, but I started crying. It was at that exact moment I knew I wasn't hugging a little girl anymore. I was hugging someone who was and still is on the journey of becoming a woman - a young woman I can't imagine my life without. I really do love you so much, Jessica.

Now here's the part where the brat in me is about to come out again. Yes, at 28 I'm still a brat! lol Some people might say I'm a bigger brat than ever, but we don't care what those people think. Haha. You see, the reason I'm a brat is because even though it's YOUR birthday, I want you to grant ME a wish. Isn't that bratty? Haha. Think of this as a late birthday present for me. You know, my birthday was last month and I don't remember getting a present with your name on it. Hell, you can consider this an early birthday present for me for next year. It doesn't really matter as long as you make my wish come true. That's the most important part. You have to promise me you'll do this. It's just a few simple things. If you don't do it, I'll cry and my heart will break. Bella will go be sad in the corner. And Grandma will start yelling at everyone! See, it's incredibly important. You have to do it! If you've ever loved me and you've ever wanted to make me happy - even just a little bit - you'll do me these few favors!

For the rest of your life, I want you to laugh as much as you can. Smile and don't ever stop. You're beautiful inside and out and you'll be doing the world an injustice if you don't let all of your wonderful qualities shine. You have no idea how gorgeous you are, especially when you smile. You light up every single room you walk into and it makes everyone around you happy. That's a gift - the ability to make people smile and laugh. You get that from me, so use it as often as possible because nothing feels better than making other people happy. Also, you have a kind and warm heart. You get that from your mom and from your Grandma. Don't let anyone break it! Give it to the person you love the most. If they're worthy, they'll take good care of it. If not, I'll kick their ass! Lastly, and this is most important, please remember how much we love you. We've spent 15 years doing our best to help you grow up to become the best young lady that you can be. We're already incredibly proud of you and who you're becoming. All you have to do is be proud of yourself too. That's all I want. That's all anyone who cares about you wants as well.

We miss you and love you more than words can say...

Happy birthday, Jessica!

My family visited this past week. Drama ensued. Chaos ensued. Fun ensued. I'm not sure how we managed to fit all of that into six days, but we did. Thank God I'm on a new antidepressant that seems to be helping, because I don't think I could have made it through the week otherwise. I'm used to silence, being alone a lot, and doing whatever I want whenever I want. This week there were 8 people in my house including myself. Like everyone else who was here, my usual routine was turned upside down. Sometimes the insanity was fun, but it got tedious.

I'm not sure what went wrong, but something did. However, not everyone in my family agrees. Some family members remember a perfect and happy trip. Unfortunately, I wasn't blessed with the gift of being oblivious. The trip was filled with tension. Defenses were up. People seem to have come prepared for a battle that didn't exist. There was fighting, screaming, crying, break ups, make ups, accusations, backstabbing, and that was all within the first 48 hours. Yes, it was an incredibly long 6 days. If it wasn't for my Cymbalta, I think I would have gone crazy.

Timing is what seemed to cause most of the problems. 8 people had 8 different ideas about how the time should be spent. Even people who didn't live here had plans for us. It was nuts. Some people wanted to do nothing at all. Other people wanted to do everything. And then there were the flexible people who came to go with the flow. The flow was exhausting. At times I felt like I was in 3 or 4 different universes. In some people's worlds, their skies were sunny and blue, but in other people's worlds, skies were dark, cloudy, and always on the verge of a storm.

Still, even with all the mayhem there was joy scattered throughout the 6 days everyone was here. Getting to see my nieces, spending time with my cousins, hanging out with my brother, and talking technology with my sister in law was fun. Going out to eat, going out for ice cream, and going to the beach were all highlights. We took some fantastic pictures and made some classic memories. All in all, it was a good trip despite many things going wrong. I just think next time, if there is a next time, we need a dog sitter, a babysitter, more money, and a lot more alcohol.